i miss you so fucking much. i've been on the brink of suicide too many times this past month. i... miss you. i miss you. i cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about you. i cried in the car thinking about you. the English teacher wanted to make a speaking exercise by talking about "love". she knows about us, and she said "what do you feel when you see him?" i said it honestly. i feel pity. i feel guilt. i feel a deep deep sadness that i thought i'd never feel again. i tried getting your attention on friday. i wanted you to approach me. to talk to me. i wanted you to make a first move because i'm just so ashamed of myself and my own state. i vomit up the food i eat and i skip classes. i hurt myself a lot. why is my mind like this? why am i like this? i'm sorry. i'm sorry. I'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
happy new year! cheers to another year that i survived. my laptop is on the verge of decapitating itself and i gotta fix that soon. whatever. i hope whoever reads this spent their new years well, like i did. i still feel the immense loneliness and emptiness as i did in may, but things like these don't change as fast as i'd like them to. this is getting pretty exhausting. the demons inside my head (edgy right) are eating really fast at my brain. i'm starting to enjoy loneliness in a sick sick way.
i wish i could spend eternity with you. my heart aches thinking i'm this depressed while there's someone who cares about me. why am i like this? why am i so delusional? why am i so resentful? i haven't used this diary since may. but not much changed, really... just the fact that the website got bugged out and i had to stay up an entire night just to fix it up. fuck. i've been better, a bit. i'm not losing my mind as much as before. i still question the reason why i exist on this earth, or other stuff. oh well... things like this don't go away so fast.
maybe the worldowed me some fucking compensation for making me feel like theloneliest person to ever live.
this reality isn’t mine. nothing here feels like it belongs to
me. all i have are the strange memories
i’ve attached to places in a reality not made for me. all i have are my
thoughts. nothing in this world has ever held onto me, even with me having clung
to them. all i have is myself
here... barely. just barely.
i'm always so fucking anxious. so stressed.
i feel like an engine brought to its limit, on the edge of combustion and self destruction.
i don't know what i'm doing, to be honest. again, i feel cold. empty.
but then i feel an immense wrath simmering inside of me. i'm starting to hate everyone,
everything. i hate my life the most. almost nothing is working to help me.
but then... everything's fine, i'm doing progress! i'm being the best version of me!
a damn lie. i'm an asshole, i'm a fuckup. i'm like the opposite of an example.
this world feels cold. even though it is supposed to be warm outside,
i feel the usual emptiness and coldness in me. i feel like typing it out could help me
but it just uses out more and more kilobytes.
i guess it's good to track my thoughts online; not like i haven't done it before.
but it's good, cause no one else listens. me, and a few kilobytes.
everything feels weird. i fucking hate everything on this world and i can only feel resentment and nervousness.
i don't know what i am doing at this moment, i don't know what i have been doing for the past 17 years and for the future.
i feel empty. everything people do, still makes me feel empty. i've become so good at faking happiness and emotions
that i'm starting to think myself that it's a real thing. but in the end...
it's always the emptiness.
in the end, i feel nothing. and it will always be nothing.
i just feel like fading away... i can't change this world. i never will be able to change it.
i'm sorry to my parents that think even if i ace exams i will be able to change the world.